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Has your Second Marriage Turned Sour?

Dear Emily, I am starting to resent that I married a guy that puts all of his energy into fighting his custody legal battle and raising his daughter. I think that all I have for affection and friendship is my puppy, and he thinks I am crazy for giving the dog attention like that. I am distressed. Help! "Janice"

Dear "Janice", Your frustration are understandable, and you aren’t alone. To me it seems like your relationship with your spouse has shifted significantly since you guys chose to get married, and that your dissatisfaction is growing intolerable.

I would love to offer you some thoughts to your misery that you could begin to apply soon, and see if the outcomes you get are different than what you are feeling now.

1. Are you familiar with the idea that "what you resist will persist"? If you are spending the majority of your energy and time focused on what's bad in your relationship and what you are scared about, chances are you're going to see a whole lot more of what you DON'T want; and keep seeing the outcomes you are wanting to avoid. The cure here is to  start looking at what is RIGHT about your relationship. This may be hard to do once you start, since you are so shattered. Something as simple as "He comes home every night and sleeps in our bed." Or "He  makes sure the car is filled with gas." . . . See if you can start to notice all the ways he shows his love to you and  his  family.

2. Create an "attitude of gratitude". Complaining and Criticizing are habits that we learn as children and they tend to NOT get us what we want. When we criticize, we are pointing out to the someone all that they are not doing right and that they are not being a good partner, a provider, a spouse. This doesn’t typically inspire him to be who you want him to be. As a matter of fact, he will begin to get so discouraged and believe that {whatever he does will never be as good as you want it to be and so he will just give up|no matter what he does it won't be good enough, that he'll just stop trying|. Why bother when all that happens is that he gets told "too little, not enough, could have been better . . ." You get the picture. The cure for complaining is to begin feeling appreciative and  openly tell him all the ways he is good enough. You will be astonished at the outcome. It's advancing the seeing a step further and showing with  gratitude all that you notice - from the heart. If you do this, you will find tons of things to have an attitude of gratitude toward then it will become very magical! Also, you may become very creative in the ways that you show your heart full of gratitude. One spouse started placing little post-it notes of thankfulness around the house, so he would find them as he shaved, as he got his keys, as he opened his brief case. Another wife left a voice mail message expressing her thankfulness to him at his office. You know the ways he most easily takes in recognition - is it through what he hears, sees, or what's done with him?

3. Examine how you could be adding to  problems you face. In what ways are you behaving that might be keeping him at a distance from you? Are you whining? Are you withdrawn? Are you not thankful for his advances? Are you jealous? Notice what things that are getting in the way of his attention and love for you. The  cure for not receiving everything you want is to start giving everything that you want to anyone you think you should get it from but ALSO to you! Stop expecting for him to show up and wonder how you can start coming in a way that is different. And BEGIN giving to yourself what you think you should have. Sounds like you are using the dog to get some of your affection needs met - but at the exclusion of your husband. Can you make sure he feels included also? May you give him that affection as well?

One pattern that might be in play between the two of you is something called "Passing the Experience". In the same way that you see him giving every bit of his love to his daughter, he may see you giving all your attention to the dog. Both of you are receiving your needs met with someone/something else, instead of giving love to the other person. And there is a good chance that all of the frustration in the middle of both of you that talking to eachother could be too scary to do by yourselves!

I am interested about how old his daughter is, and how you were feeling about life when you were the age that she is. If you take some time to go back to her age in your thoughts, you may get some insights into why you are particularly triggered by his love to her.

NOTE: Use of this article requires links to be intact.

The author, Emily Bouchard, has produced a free video on how to parent kids and stepkids under the same roof. In it she shares her #1 secret for <a href="http://www.blending-families.com/"><b>blending families</b></a>. Emily is a loving stepmother to two young women who were teens when she entered their lives. She has a Masters in Social Work and enjoys coaching stepfamilies. NOTE: Use of this article requires links to be intact.

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